How often have you sat in your favourite pew on Sunday and heard your Minister go on about living in faith; blind faith, illusive, unseen and unproven. That rock you are to cling to when the waves get high, the night darkens and the stars do not shine. Belief that Creator God will always be with you, in light and in darkness, in those times of the absolute unknown.
Have you ever asked yourself if your Minister actually walks the walk, as they continue to talk the talk? Well, truth time.
As I faced a cardiac procedure this week, I seesawed from fear to outright panic, from faith and a feeling of peace to “I don’t want to talk about it”. A whole spectrum of emotions.
Moments of prayer became more frequent during the day; memories of childhood events popped up uninvited and unannounced. Thoughts of loved ones who had passed seeped into my favourite television programs. In bed, in the dark of night, came the worries and the “what ifs” for my husband and my family and, of course my animals. Wow, I do not even have funeral plans other than asking a dear friend to do me the honors.
I think of myself as a “reader” of cosmic signs, looking for the Holy in all I do. But this journey has had some “rethink” moments.
But then I remembered Jesus, he too must have known fear - when he was taken from the garden, as he heard his friend betray him, when he was interrogated by Pilate, as he was beaten and forced to carry his own cross to the hill. He too must have wanted to “rethink” it all, especially as he hung from that place of no return, asking his father “my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”
Yes, I am talking the talk, but stumbling as I walk the walk. However, I realize I am in the best of company! I am walking with a man who has doubted in his time.
So, as I write, I am thinking about what I need to pack for a small overnight bag. I choose to believe that Creator has had a hand in this journey, that the time is now right. Faith, blind and persistent, even if a little shaky. The train is in the station, the whistle is blowing, the doors are closing and I am on my way.
This coming Sunday, November 3rd is our All Saints celebration of life. We will honor those who have gone before us (perhaps even a little shaky themselves) but persistent in their faith.
Doubt is a part of our journey but I am choosing light and life. I will see you all then!
NOTE: Pastor Beryl had surgery on Tuesday and is recovering nicely.